Calling all Size Queens
Yes, I am bringing the blog out of hiatus with a conversation about penis size.
As a sexually reproducing species, we place a lot of weight on penis size, as if it is the end-all-be-all of sexual satisfaction. The old saying is cliche, but true — it’s about the motion of the ocean, not the size of the boat. And where some expert sailors cut through the sea with a rowboat, others cannot handle the cruise ship that they’ve been tasked to wield.
So what do we do when we’ve all been naturally blessed in such different ways? We diversify our understanding of pleasure of course! Sex is so incredibly eclectic — people enjoy all different acts and rituals when it comes to what makes us horny and what helps us reach orgasm. We have and enjoy so many different types of bodies, and body positivity should be for everyone. So what does it mean for the everyday sex-plorer to consider the diversity of our own species when it comes to pleasure, self-love, and the right tools to get the job done?
Men & Body Image
Body positivity is a movement that started to make folks who lay outside of the ideal body standard feel good about themselves, and gain the ability to love their bodies regardless of society’s expectations. It is all about peace, acceptance, and decentering the beauty standards of our time that prioritize whiteness, thinness, and unachievable perfection. The movement is mostly about and for women, and although men are included sometimes, they are rarely acknowledged as victims of today’s beauty standards to the same degree as women (not to mention trans, non-binary, and gender non-conforming people**).
**I am going to frame this convo about penis size through the lens of cis-hetero manhood, only because it is useful as a framework for the cultural issues that persist around penis size. This is not to say that I think trans women, non-binary people, transgender men, and so many beautiful and beloved others are excluded from this conversation. Rather, transgender people’s issues with their bodies — specifically penis size — are highly under-researched and I don’t feel that I am equipped to discuss this experience. If you or someone you know would like to talk about this experience, I would be ecstatic to collaborate on a feature for this platform.
“Connecting to my phantom penis with the joystick”
Check out this short testimonial from Transthetics, a transgender owned and operated prosthetic company, all about how a packer helped on man connect with his phantom penis.
This company also does tons of giveaways and publishes short testimonies just like these all the time in exchange for product vouchers.
Pressures are high for everyone to fit into a certain “ideal” body type. I won’t argue over who has it worse when it comes to beauty standards, but we can’t refuse to acknowledge that men also feel pressures to look a certain way. Even the beloved “dad bod” has taken a hit, so soon after it’s debut onto the sexual scene.
“Dad bod” was an internet phenomena where heterosexual women everywhere were tipping their hats to the average-Joe as a sex symbol. It was about the strength and utility of a body with fat on top of muscle — think of someone who likes his burgers medium-rare, drinks beers on the weekend, might regularly visit the gym, and generally enjoys both food and exercise. This body type is attainable for the everyman who can’t work out or eat like an action star — but the Average-Joe saw his 15-minutes of fame end quickly. It wasn’t long until “Dad Bod” became synonymous with picture-perfect musculature in its unflexed state. It came to represent, in a negative light, every man who wasn’t in the midst of intense exercise and dietary restriction — the new way to call someone fat and out of shape, even folks who were clearly fit, like Jason Momoa.
Writer, Gianluca Russo, proposes that the death of the “dad bod” frenzy was due its’ misrepresentation as it grew closer and closer to the over-exercised beauty standard that already existed. TV and Movie fathers went from being lovably chubby, middle-aged men to having the same rippling muscles and 6-packs that already saturated media — the difference was that they still claimed to represent the beer-drinking, burger scarfing, nap-on-the-couch lifestyle.
from
“The Dad Bod is Dead” written by gianluca russo, featured in GQ
“I think that it puts forward an idea of an ‘unhealthy healthy’: Working to get abs all the time instead of just enjoying life. What the dad bod was set to do was to be that standard of normalcy. It’s your average guy: It’s your guy at the deli, it’s your guy that sits next to you at work, it’s the guy that you see at trivia nights on Tuesdays at the bar, it’s the guy you’re getting pizza with, it’s the guy who’s driving his kid to soccer practice. It’s a normalcy that’s almost been removed from it […] When you shape it into being something that isn’t normal, people start to view their normal as below average”
Says Mackenzie Pearson, author of “Why Girls Love the Dad Bod”.
“The impact of that shift has ripple effects much more widespread than just isolated TV depictions. The ways in which we see ourselves (or don’t see ourselves) on our television screens are proven to have an effect on us and our self-esteem. And because men are much less likely to open up about topics like body image, mental health, and body dissatisfaction, they may begin to internalize their feelings of inadequacy when it comes to not looking like Justin Hartley or any one of the leading men from the rebooted Dynasty”.
. . .
In 2019 this photo of Jason Momoa [depicted above], Hollywood sex symbol and action star, sparked vitriol on social media. Many fans critiqued Momoa for getting out of shape, having become accustomed to his signature 6-pack and bulging muscles-all-over. “Fans” said that Momoa was sporting a “dad bod” as an insult — basically calling him fat for relaxing on vacation.
What many fans fail to realize about movie-star musculature is that it is incredibly hard to maintain, and incredibly unrealistic for everyday life — especially when the public fails to tell the difference between “fat” and an unflexed stomach. Since its inception,“Dad Bod” has shifted from being an attainable, every-man sex fantasy to a representing failure to meet the chiseled ideal body type for men. What are we saying to average guys — and young boys — when we set the bar for manliness and beauty so high that even movie stars cannot meet it without constant workouts and Beyonce’s Coachella diet?
A major collision between the culture of toxic masculinity, unattainable standards of masculine beauty, and diet culture is a major under diagnosis of eating disorders for men. According to Eating Disorders in Men: Underdiagnosed, Undertreated, and Misunderstood (2012) by Strother, et al:
“Promotion of awareness of these issues is a crucial aspect to advance this field; as awareness may, in turn, promote environments in which men are able to talk about their food and body issues. Currently there are few resources for males to use for support. Many men do not even recognize these issues, as eating disorders have largely been viewed as a women's problem. Problems with excessive exercise are often ignored as over exercise may create a deceptively healthy outward appearance, unlike those with anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder, when exercise is not a compensatory behavior.
Finally, encouragement of a culture which allows for male vulnerability is a major goal. Men are not supposed to be emotionally vulnerable in our present culture, yet they encounter pressures on a daily basis to be more muscular and meet the current male body shape ideals. This is deleterious for many men as they feel pressure from many sources to meet mainstream society's definition of masculine. Also, men are not supposed to be focused on how they look, so why would they reveal body image or weight concerns? This is a major hurdle for the advancement and better understanding of men with eating disorders.”
Strother, E., Lemberg, R., Stanford, S. C., & Turberville, D. (2012). Eating disorders in men: underdiagnosed, undertreated, and misunderstood. Eating disorders, 20(5), 346–355. https://doi.org/10.1080/10640266.2012.715512
Research and awareness of men’s body image issues are just beginning to scratch the surface of the problem. When it comes to the human body, we are taught to tone, sculpt, and starve ourselves into perfection. The failure to do so is seen as a lack of discipline and a moral failing rather than what it is — a biological predisposition to a certain type of body.
Why is it so easy to understand that if your father has crooked teeth, you might just have crooked teeth BUT if your parents are short, fat, bald, etc. its some ugly curse that you have to fight against all your life? Your body is not ugly — it exists to nourish you, keep you safe, and perform the tasks that keep you going, for that it is beautiful in its' function. We should strive in every part of our lives to normalize the strengths and purpose of our bodies no matter what they look like. Your body is your first home, get cozy in whatever state it is in.
An additional and unavoidable trouble for so many of us is that although things like weight, musculature, and body fat seem within our grasp to change (even though they are not for many of us) things like height, skin tone, bone structure, and so much more are unchangeable without major medical intervention. More than the anxiety about changing ourselves to fit an unreachable mold, we are pressured into believing that our value is determined by our ability to be meet these goals — whether we care about them or not.
In my humble opinion, none of these hurdles loom as tall in the minds of men than penis size. Here, we must not only take a moment to normalize penises of all shapes, sizes, curvature, colors… but we should acknowledge that what you are born with is nothing to be ashamed of in any case. It is the great diversity of our species, our ingenuity, and coming to peace with our dicks that will save us from the cycle of shame that continues to dictate our relationships with our bodies and chain our sex lives to unattainable standards.
Penis Problems
Human beings come in all shapes and sizes naturally — and penises are no exception to this rule. In the wild, biodiversity is what keeps an ecosystem and a species strong. Survival depends on variation, and the ability to adapt comes from the introduction of difference. In fact, genitalia are some of the fastest evolving parts on any animal:
Popular discourse about the human penis would promote a singular successful model — BIG. All that seems to matter is the cartoonish size of a penis to prove its’ owners worth and often their “masculinity”. According to the video above, reproductive organs evolve (usually) in ways that make then more advantageous from a reproductive standpoint. For a lot of folks — or at least in the zeitgeist — bigger penises are more pleasurable (although many penis-lovers go for smaller, more comfortable models).
Insecurity about penis size is a huge problem when it comes to body positivity. Misogyny — yes, it is misogyny — has created a culture where men are made to stand next to each other and compete in all things, especially the incredibly absurd. A large penis in our modern culture has become a symbol of masculinity and sexual prowess, but that hasn’t always been the case.
From “Why Greek Sculptures Have Small Penises”(2018) by Alexxa Gotthardt
According to the Greek playwright Aristophanes, the perfect man has “a gleaming chest, bright skin, broad shoulders, tiny tongue, strong buttocks, and a little prick” (The Clouds, c. 419-423 BC).
Researchers, like Historian Paul Chrystal, have found that the model for male beauty in Ancient Greece has a small penis.
The shrunken appendage was representative of a civilized, highly logical being who was governed by his mind rather than his primitive instincts.
In plays, art, and other places men who were depicted with large penises were considered animalistic, barbaric, stupid. It was a clear insult and no man wanted to be seen with a raging hard on. A small penis was representative of a man’s character, his ability to think beyond the moment’s pleasure and be an intelligent father, citizen, and ruler to the entire polis.
Culture is dependent on time, location, and so much more — there is nothing consistent about it. Even our attitudes towards masculinity are deeply mutable to match the priorities and ideals of the context we live in. What I mean to emphasize with this example is that things have not always been this way, our standards of beauty are ever-changing. WE have the power required to shift our culture’s thinking and bring the dawn of a new age for penises of every shape and size.
The Social Model of Disability can be incredibly helpful as a framework for this topic. It theorizes that the individual is not hindered by their difference from societal norms, and what we have determined to be the “ideal” or “model” body. Rather, individuals are hindered by the failure of society to provide them with the proper tools and roads to live their everyday lives.
The video above gives a great illustration of the social model — basically we build society around one type of body and disability is determined by the inability to use that model.
Think about it — we don't think of people who wear glasses or need contact lenses as disabled because our society has normalized the tools they use to function everyday. Without these oft-forgotten tools many of us would be unable to drive, perform the tasks of our jobs, read, write, grocery shop, masturbate because the porn is too blurry, etc. In fact, the use of glasses has become a signifier of intelligence and a fashion statement to many — we’ve adapted glasses and contacts into our culture as a way to increase our beauty and stand out from others.
To go a step further — would we call someone whose feet are cut because they walk around without shoes disabled? No, shoes are a tool that we have created to make our lives as human beings easier, they are not even as much of a signifier of difference as glasses are, they are a part of our perfect human model.
So, when we think of individuals whose disabilities keep them from engaging in society to the same degree as everyone else, we must flip our thinking to point out the fact that businesses, schools, transportation, employment, and the building blocks of our society is structurally excluding them. Although the average shoe size might be a 7, there are such a variety of feet in our world that only making shoes to fit the “average” would leave almost everyone barefoot. Variety is the spice of life and the bouillon of equity.
I propose that when we think about penis size and the ability to pleasure a partner with any genitalia (or none at all) we think of this model — because the tools are right there! I know way too many heterosexual men who believe that their girlfriend’s vibrator is vying for their position, but they are fighting their own allies!
Sexually we place way too much emphasis on the penis alone as the center for (hetero)sexual pleasure, both giving and receiving. Somehow we believe that the right penis should be more than enough to do the job without an instruction manual or any type of interpersonal communication involved — we’ve let it all rely on the size for way too long. The culture that we have created places so much weight on the penis that for men with small or even average penises (and big ones too!), anxiety about performance is unavoidable. Sex has become something that is supposed to be innate rather than something we learn — not only through our culture but through experience. Coupled with the culture of sexual silence imposed upon young women, in which they are supposed to place male ego above their own sexual satisfaction, there is no wonder the orgasm gap looks so incredibly pitiful.
My prescription for this issue:
ONE: Leave your dick’s ego at home
There is so much ego living in the middle of our sex lives — sex is a source of pride for so many of us. Men are not alone in this, the pussy-popping era has definitely brought out the gorilla grip gworls (and I love them!). But when we push ego to the side it opens up the door for us to really explore, make mistakes, be embarrassed, recover, and get better at fucking each other. That is the only goal — to have better sex each and every time.
We have to stop tying our sense of self worth to sex. It is important - for your sense of self and future sexuality - to be able to separate how “good” you are from your sense of self. You are still worthy, beautiful, wonderful, enjoyable regardless of how a sexual experience turns out. It is okay to have an awkward time, to nut too fast, to get nervous, to have a hard time getting turned on, etc. as long as you are communicating and being kind with your partner(s) and most of all yourself.
TWO: ADAPT
There are so many adaptations you can make to your sexual menu in order to satisfy your partners’ various tastes. If your partner would like more than you naturally have to offer, there is no shame in purchasing toys and tools you can use together to make the experience better. The lesbian community has made a backpack the bat signal for gay sex. To that community the use of toys is normalized because they meet the various sexual needs of lesbian lovers. “The Strap” and all its accouterments represent the buffet open to sexual actors when they dare to look outside of heteronormative desires. Many stores sell strap-ons that can go over the phallus if a partner prefers a larger instrument. There are also wearable toys that promote anal sensation, engage the clitorus with vibration, and much more.
It is important to place emphasis on foreplay (obviously) but not just in the ways you think. I love long, steamy days of anticipation — sexts exchanged during work hours, lingering fingers while cooking dinner, and hot kisses all throughout the day. Foreplay should start VERY EARLY. Figuring out how to take best advantage of your lips, tongue, fingers, legs, and the length you’ve been blessed with is a wonderful experiment that you can indulge in.
The most important thing to consider here is patience — becoming a sex god will not happen overnight. It is going to take time, and it is a task we should all undertake regardless of how we feel about our current sex lives.
Three: Communicate
There isn’t much more to say than keep an open mind and an open mouth.
Try to be encouraging! Lots of people are nervous about voicing their needs and insecurities when it comes to sex but once you’ve opened the channels of communication you will only see improvements! Talking about what feels amazing, what you’d like to try, fantasies, and what gives you the ick.
Four: Educate Yourself
A lack of knowledge about female anatomy accounts for the orgasm gap in the minds of many sexual researchers. Most don’t know that the majority of cisgender women cannot orgasm through penetration alone, and require clitoral stimulation in order to cum. Many more do not know that the clitoris is like a glacier — the majority of it lies below the surface, wrapping around the vagina to create the pleasurable sensations related to penetration.
Even folks who are not having heterosexual sex can benefit from more information about anatomy, sexuality, and the human body. Whoever you are and whoever you have sex with, DO SOME RESEARCH! Don’t believe every cosmo article you read, and sex is not one size fits all but learning from your partner and reliable resources will not hurt your game.
Five: Deconstruct Shame
Shame sits at the center of sexual experiences and education for so many. Whether it is shame about our bodies, our lack of experience, the sexual experiences we have had, our supposed masculinity, our supposed queerness, our supposed chastity (or lack of), etcetera etcetera. There is always going to be something that you are supposed to feel bad about and the unique power you possess is to NOT GIVE A FUCK.
There is nothing to be ashamed of if we are having and enjoying sex with people who want to be sexual with us. Whatever penis you have is nothing to be ashamed of. Whether it is big, small, non-existent, the wrong color, a weird shape, curved at an uncommon angle, uncircumcised, whatever. There is nothing wrong with what you’ve got and you should be proud of it! We should shout it from the rooftops! I AM PROUD OF MY PENIS!!
No for real, authentic self love and body positivity is a lifelong project but we cannot make progress without deconstructing the social ideas that would make us hate ourselves and leaving them behind. Our bodies deserve to be loved, in whatever state they come. They deserve worship, adoration, love, and pleasure. Your penis is more than enough, and it’s only when you truly internalize that thought that we can all move forward with the ability to have amazing sex.
