Toy Story
As we all get comfortable talking about and exploring sex, toys are no longer taboo.
A few years ago, using sex toys was unmentionable — a secret shame. I often heard — and sometimes continue to overhear — that using toys means there is something wrong with you. Many misinformed folks seem to believe that sex toys are unnatural and make our sexual organs adjust to a level of stimulation that human beings cannot give each other. That they desensitize us and make un-assisted sex less satisfactory to our overcharged bodies.
Some people see sex toys as their competition. This ideology comes from shitty, old-ass, misogynistic views about sex. Surprise, surprise, we’re going to talk about feminism.
This shitty worldview stems from patriarchal ideas that women are sexual objects, and female pleasure is meant to stroke male egos rather than simply exist. Toys made for female users de-prioritize male pleasure, and violate the boundaries of hetero-sex — some men can’t help but feel mediocre next to literal fuck machines.
In a world where 67% of women admit to faking an orgasms, pulsating, gyrating silicone has the upper hand. They’re battery powered, made-to-order in the preferred size and color of the Amazon Prime customer, AND they never ask for reciprication. While routine masturbation is good for your sexual health, toys don’t have to take over for human partners. On the contrary, you and your partner’s preferred sex toy can and should be the best dynamic duo since peanut butter and jelly.
Toys are tools, and we must change the way we think about sex in order to realize that. If sex is only about making your partner(s) and yourself achieve a mind-blowing orgasm, then a toy can do your job, no problem. It never gets tired, can be attuned to your partner’s preferences within seconds, and has a level of power + precision that’s enviable. BUT when you rethink sex into an experience — a journey — that relies on the enhanced stimulation provided by toys, along with human connection, intimate knowledge of one another’s bodies, multiple sensations, communication, exploration, etc. then you’re cooking with grease in the bedroom! (or any room).
We all have a right to demand and seek out more exhilarating sex. Sex toys allow us to explore sensations that we couldn’t achieve through traditional methods, and that isn’t a bad thing. Innovation affects every aspect of our lives, so why not this one?
We live in an era where technology is not only life-saving, but nut-bustin’ and if it isn’t hurting anyone why shouldn’t we indulge?
So let’s talk about toys! What they do, how you might use them, how to take care of them, and best practices all around. This is a chapter that is sorely missing from our sex education curriculum, and as adults seeking out the peaks and valleys to be found in our own sexual lives, we are deserve to know.
From ANal to Z
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AKA: Nothin’ Butt a Good Time
Types: Plugs, beads, prostate massagers, vibrating toys, certain types of dildos, etc. Can be metal, silicone, glass, and many more body safe materials.
Uses: Anal toys are specifically made to go in the anus. Your anus is full of nerve endings that are sensitive and stimulating them feels good. For males they can be used to stimulate the prostate, and female folks can also enjoy anal play. Many love the vaginal stimulation that anal toys provide as well.
Safety/Maintenence: Invest in a toy cleaner that is specific to the material you are using. Plastic (not metal or glass) toys should be 100% silicone and body safe. Clean after use and always use with lube — water-based is best for anal play. Avoid pain-numbing substances when engaging in anal play, pain is your safety railing when you mess with your butt. Make sure your anal toys are flared at the base so that they won’t get stuck. If a toy does get stuck in your anus, it may require emergency medical attention.
Example(s): This BASICS beginner butt plug from Lovehoney
Other Helpful Tips: Start off small and don’t be afraid to quit anal a few times. I started and stopped a couple times before I was ready to love it, and a lot of that is just the time it takes to get used to the feeling. Anal play also isn’t for everyone, and there’s no shame in not liking it, no matter who you are.
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AKA: The Bed-wetter
Types: The clit-sucker is a variation on a traditional vibrator — an up and comer in the world of sex toys
Uses: This toy creates a vacuum that focuses on the clitoris, simulating oral sex. They can be small and discreet, or larger coming with penetrative or vibrating elements. Some even come with attachments meant to stimulate the flicking/licking sensation of oral intercourse.
Safety/Maintenance: Make sure your toy, the external parts that touch you, are made of pure 100% silicone. Pay close attention to the instructions for use and cleaning, using an appropriate toy cleaner between every use. Read your warranty agreement and keep it charged, but not overcharged. Pay attention to whether it is waterproof or best used in dry areas. After cleaning and/or engaging in water sports, make sure to dry thoroughly and keep in a safe room-temp place.
Example(s): The Puff from Unbound Babes
Other Helpful Tips: I’ve never used one of these, but I’ve heard that they are crazily effective in helping coax along the female orgasm. My only advice would be to lay down a towel.
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AKA: The Love-Gun
Types: Strap-on, double sided, vibrating dildos, glass dildos, double-penetration dildos, and so many other kinds. It can be a little overwhelming, but the more you learn the more your world changes! The possibilities are endless.
Uses: Dildos are phallic instruments meant to be inserted into the vagina, anus, or mouth. They often resemble penises but don’t have to; they come in many shapes and sizes. Dildos can be used for self pleasure, with partners of all genders and sexes, or you can stick them to your wall and use them as coat hooks.
Safety/Maintenence: In my opinion, but also according to medical science, dildos should either be glass or 100% silicone. Porosity is a killer, and other synthetic materials can hold bacteria that will give you a nasty infection. Porous materials can also hold onto STDs from former partners. The sex toy manufacturing industry is not federally regulated, so there is no one making sure your toys are safe but you — keep that in mind as you shop. Some folks think boiling their dildo is the best cleaning practice, but all you really need is a good quality silicone toy to begin with and a toy cleaner. Clean your dildos after each and every use: that means between different orifices on your body (ie. vaginal to anal), between you and a partner, and between individual uses (even if it’s just you). If you’re low on cleaner, unscented soap and water is just fine in a pinch.
Example(s): This Suga Daddy 7-Inch from Bellesa Boutique
Other Helpful Tips: All sex toys are an investment, but I would recommend dropping money on a good dildo before wasting your time and risking your health with anything cheap. Don’t be afraid to shop around for a while before making a choice. Buying a great dildo should be like entering the 3 bears cottage or trying on glass slippers: don’t settle for less than a perfect fit. (And often, a perfect fit is the combination of a couple different dildos, for variety).
Additionally, read the reviews and product descriptions carefully before purchasing any sex toy. Insertable length, girth, flexibility, material, user-friendliness, customer rating, etc. are all important elements that determine the best-fit for any purchase.
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AKA: Chains & Whips Excite Me
Types: Restraints, blindfolds, whips, gags, floggers, rope, paddles, clamps, collars, etc.
Uses: Kink has a ton of associated props and tools, and it really isn’t effective to try and describe them all here. They are all so individual and particular, with more and more being invented everyday. Overall, kinky toys are used to elicit painful and pleasurable sensations for users, assisting in different types of play with differing goals. To learn more about kinky items I would suggest this article from Healthline with a lil’ beginner’s guide to BDSM.
Safety/Maintenence: Although we don’t always think about cleaning and maintenance as important with kink items, I would definitely suggest you take care of these toys. They are an investment and a fun addition to your Sex Life — don’t waste your money and destroy your things. Keep them clean between uses with the appropriate types of cleaners — body safe — and store them responsibility. For some of these items that means locked away where they cannot be accidentally uncovered as well.
Example(s): The BDSM section at Wildflower is a great starting place
Other Helpful Tips: Don’t be afraid to do a little research before diving into a new kinky adventure. The most important thing about BDSM is that you go in fully informed and with the enthusiastic, unencumbered consent of everyone involved. Have fun!
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AKA: Penis pumps, vacuum pumps, vacuum erection pumps, etc.
Types: Bulb pumps, water pumps, electric pumps, vibrating pumps, trigger pumps, etc.
Uses: Pumps are placed over the penis and creation airtight suction that draws blood into the shaft, making an erection larger and more long lasting for partnered or solo play. They simulate the feeling of oral sex and are a fun, pleasurable aid for lots of folks. Many use them to help with erectile disfunction issues, or to increase their size. There are also pumps for trans-men undergoing hormone therapy, intersex folks, and female folks who enjoy the sensation on their vulva.
Safety/Maintenence: Clean with warm water and mild/unscented soap. Dry thoroughly. Some also recommend soaking your pump for proper maintenance. With this type of toy it can be easy to go overboard, let your body guide you on what is comfortable and when it’s time to take a breather. Hurting yourself or getting stuck is that last thing you want to do! Pay close attention to the sizing of your penis pump. They come in specific sizes for a reason, and an ultra snug fit is a one-way ticket to the ER if you’re not careful.
Example(s): This Bathmate HYDROMAX from Lovehoney
Other Helpful Tips: I have never used one of these and I would recommend being careful and doing some research. Sex toys are all good fun until somebody gets hurt, or spends way too much money on something they don’t even like. Luckily, penis pumps come in a range of prices, and you can start with something affordable before you move on the heavy-duty hardware.
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AKA: Cock Rings, Chastity devices, etc.
Types: Vibrating, anal-stimulating, partner stimulating, cock cage, penetrative restriction, etc.
Uses: Rings are worn on the penis and restrict blood flow to an already erect penis for a longer, harder erection. They can be used to increase the length and intensity of partnered sex, as an aid for erectile disfunction, to limit the depth of penetration, and as a chastity device, disallowing the wearer to climax. Many kinds of penis rings also function as vibrators that increase clitoral stimulation during intercourse.
Safety/Maintenence: Make sure your ring is made of body safe material and that it fits well. That means 100% silicone and a close look at the dimensions when purchasing. Don’t wear it for too long and clean between uses with the appropriate toy cleaning solution.
Example(s): The Fun Factory NOS from She Bop
Other Helpful Tips: I saw a video recently from an ER nurse about a person who wore a cock ring for 48+ hours and had to have their penis amputated. This is why sizing and taking breaks are important. An amputated penis is the worst possible outcome, but its entirely within the realm of possibility.
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AKA: If the chair is rockin’ don’t come a-knockin’
Types: Wedge, couch, chairs, chaise, lounge, pillow, mount, queening stools, shower grips, sex swings, etc.
Uses: These are furniture items specifically designed to make certain sexual positions and desires possible, and it’s a broad category. There are cushions that make certain positions easily attainable when before they were a feat of strength, and elaborate pieces like bondage crosses and sex swings. Take a look at this blog post from Lioness to learn more about different kinds of sex furniture.
Safety/Maintenence: Sex furniture isn’t (usually) sold at ikea, but sometimes it is DIY. Read the instructions carefully, clean the material if it’s recommended, and try to stay within the recommended uses. For my big-body benzes, make sure you check the weight limits on your sex furniture in order to inform your purchase, and take special care if anything has to be mounted on a wall, door, ceiling, etc.
Example(s): This Queening Stool from Lovehoney
Other Helpful Tips: I know that this category may sound a little daunting or advanced. I hear the word furniture and run the other way — the price alone makes me dismissive. But, there are so many pillows, wedges, mounts, and more that are discreet, affordable, and so-so worth it! If you’re a beginner, definitely check out the Liberator Heart-shaped Wedge, I have heard it is a real people pleaser.
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Also Known As: Flesh-light, pocket pussy, masturbation sleeves, strokers, etc.
Types: Pumping sleeves, partnered sleeves, electric/automated, partial sleeves, silicone-manual sleeves, penis-extenders, etc.
Use(s): Sleeves serve a range of uses. They are hollow tube in which the user can insert themselves and create friction/pressure. They can be used as an aid for masturbation or partnered sex, with some acting as a phallic shell that goes around the penis. These types of sleeves act as penis extensions, and/or allow users to continue having sex when suffering from erectile disfunction. Additionally, there are some sleeves designed specifically for intersex people and trans-men undergoing hormone therapy.
Safety/Maintenence: There is still risk involved when using sleeves, and regular cleaning with an appropriate toy cleaner is a must. Pay attention to which toys are compatible with certain types of lube, or if your toy is waterproof. For electronics, pay attention to warranty and charge regularly, but don’t kill your battery with overcharging.
Example(s): This whole article of recommendations from sexologists for penis sleeves for a variety of needs
Other Helpful Tips: I don’t have a ton of experience using or recommending penis sleeves. The one thing I can say is that there is a lot of shame that remains around this type of sex toy and we should dismantle that. There are tons of reasons why people want or need sex toys, and we should all be free to explore pleasure.
In addition, this is definitely the type of toy you want to shop around for — be picky. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to find the right fit for you, your lifestyle, your desires, and potentially your partner.
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AKA: A Dyke’s Best Friend
Types: Boxer steps, o-ring, vac-u-lock, thong, thigh-strap, etc.
Use(s): A strap on allows the user to wear a dildo. They are a partner device, and strap ons come in many shapes and sizes. There are straps that go on your pelvis, thigh, even on your face. Ultimately they help partners who otherwise wouldn’t be able to reach any or a certain level of phallic penetration. They are often used by female folks having sex with one another, and by heterosexual couples who enjoy pegging. There are also straps that allow men with smaller penises or who suffer from erectile disfunction to pleasure their partners with dildos.
Safety/Maintenence: For advice on the dildo part of a strap on, check out the tab on dildos above.
Get a strap on that is easy to clean. Mine is made of fabric and is machine washable — I throw it in with my clothes every few weeks. Leather can be a little harder to deal with, but still easy to clean and manage. I do not recommend getting a thong, you want something with back and leg support that isn’t going to hurt when you use it for a while: don’t kill your own sexual stamina. A strap on is an investment, it’s like buying a quality pair of boots over a pair that’s going to fall apart in a month. Take your time and find a great one, something you can keep for years.
Example(s): The Oxyd Creations Bike Tube Harness from She Bop
Other Helpful Tips: There are two basic types of strap ons: O-ring and Vac-u-lock. The Vac-u-lock is a specific brand/system that is only compatible with its own brand of dildos. There are tons of O-ring compatible dildos from a range of companies, sizes, colors, etc. If you want to be able to mix and match, buy an O-ring dildo.
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AKA: Personal Massagers
Types: Wearable vibrators, miniature bullet, wands, insertable vibrators, remote-controlled, long-distance, vibrating dildos, etc.
Uses: Vibrators are electronic tools used to stimulate different parts of the body with high-powered vibrations. They come in levels of complexity and specificity that make this an incredibly diverse category of toy. Most often used for clitoral stimulation, they are a masturbatory aid, a great addition to partnered sex, and can even work out the kinks in tight back muscles after a long night of switching positions. Vibes can also be used to stimulate the phallus and the anus, and many other types of toys come with vibrating functions because they feel oh-so-good.
Safety/Maintenence: Clean it and keep it alive until it’s final day on earth. Unfortunately, nothing good lasts forever and a great vibe is no different. As with any electronic device, avoid overcharging and you will maintain battery life and the efficiency/power of your toy for as long as possible. Pay attention to the warranty as well, if you’re within a certain window a free replacement might be within your grasp. Most of all, clean your toy. Make sure any parts that touch your parts are 100% silicone, and use a compatible toy cleaner: get in all the nooks and crannies too! Read up on your toy before you buy and after to make sure you’re using it within the safety bounds, ie. don’t take anything non-water resistant into the tub. Store it in a dry place at room temp and you should be golden.
Example(s): The ENBY from Wildflower
Other Helpful Tips: I know I talked all that shit earlier about how sex toys don’t fuck up your vagina, but it is important to be careful. Any form of sexual activity can affect your pH balance, and improper cleaning routines will have you fucked up.
Additionally, if your body does get used to a certain level of sensation from a vibrator, you may have a harder time reaching climax without it. I have found, as a user of a very powerful tool, that taking 1-2 weeks without my vibrator every once in a while keeps me sensitive enough that I don’t struggle to reach orgasm manually. Just my 2 cents, not a professional medical opinion.
More sex toys exist and are being invented everyday. There’s way too many to cover here, but I hope that this was a satisfying taste of 21st century sexual innovation. We are so creative and insatiable, and that spark that put a man on the moon also puts motorized orgasm machines in the waiting hands of horn-dogs everywhere.
I love to see it, and cannot wait to see more.
