Put Me In, Coach!
The old adage states that “those who cannot do, teach”. Sadly (but very happily) I have been in a serious, long-term relationship for the past 2+ years, and haven’t been able to hoe around.
Kayla and I met on HER, the WLW dating app, in 2018. It was definitely a case of right person - wrong time. She lived on the coast and I was finishing my bachelor’s degree in the middle of the state. Feeling isolated from friends and family, she was looking for someone to talk to; I, unsurprisingly, was looking to hook-up.
After I realized that we didn’t want the same things, I tried to ghost her. I probably tried to ghost her 20 times, but over the next year and a half, she kept reaching out and we couldn’t stop talking. We had so much in common and conversation was always easy. She congratulated me on graduating in 2019, and I didn’t hear from her again for a couple months.
By that Summer, I had transitioned, changed my name, and made a new HER profile — I was trying to fill out my roster after a bad break up. Suddenly, there she was again: we matched on my first day back on the app, and we haven’t stopped talking since.
Although I have been polyamorous in the past, my sugar booger and I came to the mutual decision that for this relationship, monogamy is what works best. Although we’re a lot more flexible than traditional monogamous relationships allow, but that’s a blog for another time. Thus, I coach other strong, sexy, insatiable hoes on how to use the power of that ass for good rather than evil.
What is hoe coaching?
Hoe Coaching is the act of working in support, mentorship, and guidance of fellow and upcoming hoes. It’s an important pedagogical tradition that is as old as sex itself.
In Game of Thrones, Daenerys learns how to seduce her husband from a prostitute. The two women go through the motions of sex, and Daenerys applies this new method to her marital bed, giving her Khal Drogo’s ear in political matters. Over the course of the next few years, as she comes into maturity and political power, the Dragon Queen goes from being the sexual conquest to the conquerer, learning to enjoy and take charge of her own pleasure.
Click the photo above to watch the scene on YouTube.
“Close your eyes, and think of England”
This colloquial saying is dated to the Edwardian period. It is speculated to have originated in the journals of Lady Hillingdon in 1905:
“When I hear his steps outside my door I lie down on my bed, open my legs and think of England.”
The source document has never been recovered, so this claim remains unsubstantiated.
This saying is used to denote an unwillingness and a duty to engage in sex with one’s husband. Most often it is recounted as the advice a mother gives a daughter before her wedding night.
It’s absolutely not good advice between hoes, but it is evidence that sex has been on our minds and tongues for a while.
Julia Caesaris filia
also known as: Julia the Elder, Julia Major
Daughter of Emperor Augustus of Rome, wife of Emperor Tiberius, Grandmother of Caligula
(Oct 30th, 39 BC — 14 AD)
Julia the Elder, a royal daughter and wife of the Roman Empire, was a well-known adulterer and enjoyed several lovers outside of her marriages. She was known as a kind, empathetic, and scholarly woman, but this did not save her from the reputation she gained due to the rumors surrounding her sexual appetite. In 2 AD, her father, Augustus, accused her of adultery and treason and she lived the rest of her life in exile.
The Roman writer, Macrobius Ambrosias Theodosius, recorded many of the persisting quotes from Julia the Elder that show her wit and personality.
One of the most famous being a comment on the resemblance between her husband and her children, despite her sexual misbehavior:
“I take on a passenger only when the ship’s hold is full.”
Interpretation: “I don’t take another lover until I am already pregnant with my husband’s child.”
Cosmopolitan Magazine has been in publication since 1886. It has been a women’s magazine since 1965.
Cosmo has been giving out sex advice for years. Their tips range from absolutely awful, to out of the ordinary, or surprisingly tantalizing.
Take a look at some of the more outrageous Cosmo sex tips in the article linked below.
In the 2017 Movie, Girls Trip, the character Dina (played by Tiffany Haddish) shows the others the “Grapefruit Method” for giving head. She cuts a hole in the middle of a grapefruit and pulls it up and down the shaft as she sucks, applying pressure, pleasurable sensations, and adding flavor to the experience.
Hoes have been talking about sex for a long time AND giving each other tips — these conversations remain prominent in our history, media, and our everyday lives.
I have been coaching for years now, since before I began my first Hoe Talks program in 2017. Even before that I had several great hoe coaches and mentors. Not everyone gives the best advice — the Edwardian example above is a good demonstration of that. But we’ve been teaching and talking to each other about sex forever, and we should honor that long-lasting tradition by doing it and doing it well.
the team needs you
We’ve covered some of the lineage of hoe coaching, but why do we do it? Well, sex has been a taboo topic for centuries and while men can be free to talk about it, do it, discuss technique, practice, etc. those of use socialized as women haven’t always been afforded that freedom. In many places we still aren’t. Even in 2022, many of our mothers, aunties, grannies, older sisters, and play-cousins still talk about their “wifely duties” — the obligation to pleasure their husband regularly despite their own wants and desires.
This antiquated notion — that women are sexual objects, men are sexual actors, and no other gender exists to break that mold — continues to permeate our attitudes and conversations about sex. But, we have hope. Women have always enjoyed sex, and have found ways to talk about it, too.
The video linked above talks about the lesser known traits of Queen Victoria (1819-1901). Recently uncovered diary entries particularly highlight her voracious sexual appetite and unhindered thoughts about her beloved husband, Albert.
As our society comes to understand the social construction of gender along with female pleasure and queer sex (not just between queer people, but queer ideologies and methods) we are getting more and more relaxed with hoe talks.
When there is no shame in our game we can be free to discuss sex tips, hoe rotations, and other relevant advice that isn’t just about pleasing a husband or a romantic partner. Hoe coaching is, first and foremost, about what is going to bring YOU (that hoe over there) pleasure and make your sexual life and experiences better.
Maybe you need a little guidance on how to give guidance — giving advice to other hoes comes with pitfalls and obstacles. Teaching and mentoring aren’t for everyone, and sometimes we’ve got a little ways to go before we can really start taking on pupils. Here are the things that I learned while I was gaining my footing:
Safety first:
My philosophy is that boundaries and rules can work in your favor when you let them. My first year of college we lost (but later found) our friend on a drunken night, and this led us to create a unique code of conduct that has persisted as we continued to go out and have fun together.
This “Code of Conduct” included things like: share your location, never leave a hoe behind, charge your phone, etc. Just ways to keep each other safe and aware when we were out together or apart. When you’re enjoying a good session with a fuck-buddy or meeting up with a tinder match having a couple rules in play don’t hurt. It’s nice when we can help keep our friends safe and secure while they live their best hoe lives.
Sometimes a rule is for the relationship itself, to keep us accountable to each other or from burning out the relationship. I have definitely told a friend or 2 that they can no longer ask for my advice on a certain subject anymore. I have also had folks establish “I hate your new partner” protocol with me when I kept dating shitty people.
Having some hoe protocols, rules, guidelines, etc. can really help keep us accountable and safe while we go forth and hoe. In summation: let your people know you’re alive and well every once in a while and check in on them, too.
Listen Up, Hoe:
When I’m looking for an outfit or a new book, sometimes I ask for help making a decision. The worst consultations happen when someone dives right in without really listening to what I want and need — without asking a single question to get to know me a little better.
Hoe coaching is the same. Listen closely, and don’t be afraid to hear the background information a couple times before dishing out any advice. Sometimes on your third rendition of the same story, you hear the details, spoken or unspoken, that change the entire situation. It is much better to be thorough than careless — and sometimes your team doesn't need guidance, they just need someone to listen to them.
Just sitting, listening, and empathizing lays the groundwork for important, vulnerable conversations down the road.
Be Patient:
Patience is a virtue. Let your people come to you when they are ready and if they don’t come at all, have pride in their ability to handle their own problems.
Hoe talks are a communal practice that take time and are never really completed. Be ready to continue the same conversations over several weeks and through multiple mediums, be ready for updates and long periods without updates. Learn to wait, but not to anticipate too much.
Double Check:
Don’t throw out suggestions haphazardly — make sure you mean what you say, it’s applicable to the situation, and it’s something within the realm of possibility for that person. Nothing is worse than sloppy advice, and when it all goes wrong you’re the one catching the heat.
Moreover, make sure you are giving someone consistent advice — consistent with your beliefs and with what you have told them before. If you can't, point out the contradiction and it’s cause, make sure that you cite a mistake if you have made it and apologize.
Those of us who teach should be intentional with our words, once something has been said it is hard to take back.
You are America’s Next Top Model:
You have to walk the walk AND talk the talk. We’ve all heard “do what I say, not what I do” a few times too many. The worst type of coach is one who can’t or won’t do what they advise. I’ve known many a great hoe brought down by their inability to follow their own advice — nobody wants to listen to someone who doesn’t have their own hoe-shit together because they keep making the same mistakes.
Hypocrisy is a great way to lose trust, and although it’s great to come from a place of experience, once you know better you have to do better.
Expect Growing Pains:
Every hoe has to go out on their own one day and figure it out for themselves. It is impossible to shield our loved ones from every bump and bruise — sometimes learning through experience is also necessary for growth.
When the young, fledging-hoes want to leave the nest and hoe out in the world you have to let them and trust you have the type of relationship where they feel safe and secure to call on you if they’re in a bind. Hoes should rely on each other and trust each other to stay safe and happy, but ultimately everyone’s life is their own to live. Be ready to pick up a hoe or 2 at a sketchy location, be a shoulder to cry on, buy a plan-B at 3am, and just be supportive through the rough patches.
RAted E for Everybody:
The hoe life is not for everyone but should be accessible to anyone. For an experienced hoe looking to take on some mentees this means that you are not everyone’s hoe coach and not everyone is ready (now, or maybe ever) to be under your tutelage.
It’s fine for folks to dip in and out, taking pieces of hoe-cultivated knowledge without diving 100% into the pool. It’s also fine for folks to decide that they don’t want your advice specifically — hoes who need your type of guidance will find you.
Hold ‘em & Fold ‘em:
Not everyone wants your 2-cents, even if they could really use it. Knowing when someone is asking for your advice or simply needs a friend/someone to lean on is an intuition that doesn’t come naturally. It is essential, though, that we try to know the difference and act accordingly — and if you don’t know, ask.
Never force your opinion or advice on someone who doesn’t want it. I, personally, believe that if you see a storm coming, you tell folks to get out their raincoats and if they’re mad at you — rain or shine — for telling them what to do then that’s their problem. But, when someone has made it clear they don’t care for your opinion, in a specific matter or any matter, leave well enough alone.
Be there to support the people you care for whether they accept your advice or not, your friendship or love shouldn’t be conditional on everyone doing what you want.
Don’t Judge, Judy:
Hoe coaching is built on a foundation of mentorship, trust, and non-judgement. Your people should know that they can come to you and expect to be loved on without judgement regardless of their choices. Honestly, sometimes folks have to make the mistake themselves before they really get it — sometimes you have to be right the first time to become a wise advice-giver.
But, if your people can’t come to you in the aftermath of doing whatever they were gonna do anyway and expect support and love regardless, they won’t come to you in the first place.
be Honest, not cruel:
Never lie about what you think or how you feel. Nobody benefits from being shielded from the truth, even if it is a truth that would hurt them. Most often people will get hurt by the truth eventually anyway, and there is nothing worse than knowing your close confidants knew and didn’t say anything. Be careful that the truth comes in a gentle and caring package, not a spiteful or angry one.
Some people ask themselves whether something is “truthful, kind, and necessary” before they tell someone. Often the part about kindness is hard to interpret: is it kind to tell someone the truth knowing it will hurt their feelings or is it kinder to stay silent in the midst of conflict?
Lots of us would always want the truth, others want the truth thoroughly sugar-coated, others would rather be supported in the midst of disaster than told they are headed the wrong way — ultimately it’s a real issue to talk about when engaging conflict within hoe circles.
Bitch, be humble:
You don’t know everything hoe! Admit when you don’t and don’t be ashamed to have to call on your own mentors and fellow hoes to help you out.
There is no “I” in Coach:
Hoe coaching is not hierarchical — you are also a part of the team. There is so much valuable knowledge and experience that we all bring to the table. Although some of us may be better prepared to coach than others, we should all be working alongside and speaking with each other in order to be better. Your coaching includes yourself and a great coach has great coaches by their side.
