V.I.P. Access

There are very few things that should be making it past that pink-velvet rope, yet it seems that every Tom, Dick, and Vagisil want to muscle their way in. Your Very Important Pussy deserves to be an incredibly exclusive club, and it should be if you want to keep it happy and healthy.

This installment of Hoe Talks is not about who you let in, but rather what. In a world where every commercial, viral video, and whispered conversation tries to convince you that your vagina is dirty, it is hard to keep your composure. The idea that vaginas are in dire need of cleaning is pervasive and long-standing in our patriarchal culture …and it all starts with the douche.

Douching: A Horrible History

When we say the word “douche” in 2022, our first thought might not be a little squirt bottle made for vaginal insertion. We often use this term to refer to an outrageous and narcissistic man — a well known character-type from reality and scripted television — someone brash, uncouth, and arrogant.

This usage is derived from an ancient feminine hygiene tool — associating unruly male behavior with the vagina. The ways men insult each other often come back to the cultural idea that vaginas are bad, like the association between the word pussy and fearful, emasculated men.

The douche is a bag, bottle, or tube with an insertable nozzle that goes up into the vagina to flush out the inside. It is used primarily, today, as a cleansing tool in order to keep the vagina smelling and looking fresh. But, it didn’t start that way. Originally douches were used and advertised as a method of birth control and STD protection. It didn’t work, but many early birth control methods were similarly unreliable.

According to Stephanie Buck’s article with Timeline substances like honey, iodine, wine, baking soda, and olive oil were used to flush out the pipes. Once doctors in the 1800s endorsed the douche as an after-sex contraceptive, it became an incredibly popular method for preventing pregnancy, although it remained largely ineffective in all that time.

In the 1900s, people started douching with Lysol. Yes, the preferred cleaning agent of the Covid-19 pandemic was once one of the most popular douching liquids in the country. Yes, all I can think about is the burning.

The brand created foam, spray, and even jelly versions of the product for douching, sanctioning the practice despite the toxicity of its formula and its inability to prevent pregnancy. According to a 1933 study cited within Buck’s article, of 507 women who used Lysol as a douching agent, nearly half got pregnant anyway. Additionally, Doctors and users alike reported vaginal irritation, burning, blisters, and more importantly 193 poisonings and 5 deaths resulting from its use.

Afterwards, Lysol changed the makeup of its formula to a much less toxic version, but otherwise the Lysol douche was going strong. Douches of all kinds and brands were having their moment in the 20th century, up into the 1980s when some praised the effectiveness of a Coca-Cola douche in killing sperm.

By the time more effective contraceptive methods became widely available, advertisers had a problem on their hands. They had to find a way to rebrand the douche, so they started marketing the product as a remedy for vaginal odor and uncleanliness. Advertising campaigns for douches and other feminine products after that point were targeted at making women feel unclean and smelly. They even blamed vaginal uncleanliness for social and marital problems.

Here are some vintage and modern advertisement that exemplify that idea.

I could go on forever about this, but the bottom line is this: douching is not only unnecessary and bad for you, it is the product of the longstanding myth that vaginas are dirty, and must be altered from their natural state. The feminine hygiene industry profits from convincing vagina-owners that they need to be cleansed — that the natural smell, discharge, and appearance of a perfectly healthy vagina is unacceptable and that we should risk our health in order to conform to an unrealistic ideal.

Although douches are no longer filled with chemical cleansing agents and red wine, they aren’t safe or healthy. Even today’s more modern douches can cause the growth of harmful bacteria in the vagina, and can increase your risk for pelvic inflammatory disease, STIs, and more. Most doctors do not recommend douching, unless it is prescribed in response to a medical condition.

Vaginas are incredibly self-sufficient, they have a delicate balance of healthy bacteria and your pH exists on a tightrope — too much manipulation is the exact opposite of helpful. The more you do to your vagina to “correct” it’s smell, wetness, discharge, appearance, etc. the worse off you are.

Although there is no way to naturally make your vagina smell like a field of wildflowers and taste like pineapple sorbet, there are a few things we can do to keep ourselves healthy and our vaginas happy.

Douche & Don’ts

Clean the right way

As we’ve already said, the vagina is self-cleaning. Putting too much in it and doing too much cleaning ultimately sends your vaginal health downhill. Harsh soaps and scented body washes are not good for the vagina. All you really need to keep it clean is warm, running water.

Take your hand, or maybe a clean wash rag, and rinse your labia in the bath and shower. That is literally all you need. DO NOT insert anything inside the vagina to clean it, as it cleans itself throughout the day. Refrain from cleaning too often, your vagina doesn’t need more showering than the rest of your body.

When/if you are feeling unfresh after a long hard day, a workout, etc. give it a rinse or a wipe off with a clean rag and/or warm water. Refrain from using feminine wipes and other products that have chemicals cleaning agents with the potential to ruin your pH.

Keep it exclusive

There is very little that belongs in your vagina. Avoid, along with douches, vaginal cleansing products like specialized washes, wipes, suppositories, and more. There is a time and a place for medically recommended cleansing products, but that time is not everyday. These cleansing agents should only be used how and when they are recommended by a doctor.

If you are feeling not-so-fresh after a long day, but not due to illness, a quick cleanse — what we colloquially call a “whore’s bath” — with warm water and no soap is your best bet.

Keeping a small, exclusive VIP list also means using body safe sex toys, cleaning them properly after each use, taking care with lubricant, condoms, and everything else sexual that goes inside of you. Additionally, make sure your partners go downtown with clean hands (emphasis: fingernails), mouths, and genitals. It is very easy to get infections from the introduction of something foreign from your last meal or the blunt you just rolled.

Panties Off

Your coochie needs to breathe. Underwear should be 100% cotton and worn as sparsely as possible. Choking your vagina with layers of unbreathable, tight clothing (ie. underwear, leggings, tight jeans, etc.) is the fastest way to trap moisture and cause an unwanted yeast infection. If you can, sleep without underwear on, in something flowy and open at the bottom, so that your vagina has time to breathe while you sleep. Additionally, when you swim (or get wet on accident) take off wet swimsuit bottoms as soon as possible.

eat right, skeet right

A balanced diet with plenty of fruits and vegetables is great for our overall health and does wonders for the vagina. Full of water and a natural source of nutrients, fresh fruits and vegetables are the best things you can eat to keep your pussy happy.

Your eating habits can negatively affect your vagina’s health and wellbeing. Lots of junk food, red meat, alcohol, and other things aren’t good for you. I’m never one to endorse restrictive eating, you can be healthy and indulge in all of the foods and drinks you love, but find a happy balance.

Probiotic foods have a positive effect on your immune system, gastrointestinal health, and keep your vagina in great shape. Things like yogurt, kefir, kombucha — filled with healthy bacteria — are really good for you. Cranberry juice and yogurt have even been shown to have positive effects on people suffering from UTIs, and yeast infections.

Additionally, vagina-owners have been treating their ailments holistically since the beginning of time. Although many homemade cures have been ineffectual, others have been linked to positive outcomes based on scientific research.

For example, I have treated on-coming UTIs and persistent yeast infections with water cleanses, 100% cranberry juice, and kombucha. Try a little home remedy sometimes, so long as you do your research and pay attention to your body.

Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate

Drink water, hoe. The benefits of staying hydrating and drinking enough water are innumerable, but a healthy pussy is one of them. Water helps keep things running like a well-oiled machine everywhere in the body. It helps to lubricate your vagina, help it cleanse itself, increase blood circulation, aid in the fight against infection, and water can also be a factor in your ability to create natural lubrication in preparation for sex. Ergo, water is important.

Although we can also get hydration from coffee, tea, soda, and even our food, nothing is quite as fast or as good for us as hydrating with pure 100% H2O.

Period, Pooh

Tracking your period and menstrual symptoms, if you have them, is a great way to get to know your body. Being aware of the natural cycles and changes your hormones cause keeps you calm and lets you know when to be alarmed. There are several popular period tracking apps that not only help you keep track of your menstrual cycles and symptoms but also involve community forums, expert advice, lifelong statistics, scholarly articles, and several other important features.

I could not recommend this enough. My period app lets me know when I should expect my next period and when I am ovulating, despite my irregular cycle. It also keeps building on my past data in order to make more accurate predictions. When I track my symptoms, even outside of my period, it gives me relevant advice and recommendations to assuage some of the effects. It’s the life hack of the 21st century for all vagina owners, and even if you already track, I’m sure there are features on your period app that you could really take advantage of.

Safe Sex + after care

Safer Sex, for those of us who are sexually active, keeps your vagina in good shape. In addition to using body safe sex toys (100% non-porous silicone), pay attention to the ingredients of your lubricant. Although many vagina users don’t bother with lubricant, it is a great way to prevent tearing and sex-related injury to the vagina. Water-based is the best for vaginal (and anal) use. Make sure your condoms are unflavored and not made of allergens or irritating materials. Pro Tip: Flavored condoms are for oral sex and are likely to cause yeast infections if used vaginally.

Peeing after sex is a great way to prevent Urinary Tract Infections (UTI) and you should also make sure to pee after a steamy phone-sex session, masturbating, or getting wet watching a steamy movie. UTIs are the absolute worst and it can often be hard to treat them fast and painlessly — in the worst cases they can even become a kidney infection. Prepare rather than react, take your vaginal health seriously and keep your coochie in good health.

Make sure to get tested regularly if you are sexually active and ask your partner(s) their health status. This is not to shame anyone living with STIs, as many of us have contracted and are living with Sexually Transmitted Infections, but being aware of our status and taking measures to keep ourselves and partners safe is important.

let that toxic sh*t go

The absolute best thing you can do for yourself, and your vagina, is to let go of your normative expectations about how it is supposed to look, smell, and taste. Nothing you do will make your vagina naturally become a bouquet of roses or a fruit salad and we should let go of those expectations for ourselves. Get to know and love your pussy in it’s natural, healthy state.